Statutory Warning.

All of you might've heard about the devastating question whatsapp is throwing at your face since the other day. And I know a few of you good people, who are really concerned about the catastrophic effect this is going to have on your day-to-day functioning, have started spreading this uber-worthy message of saving the day by a setting tweak. I, myself have read such caring notifications from some of you dear friends on whatsapp, facebook and coffee table conversations. Now, to all those gems - this ain't over. You will be solving nothing. These are the tips you should really follow as of immediate effect:

1. Cancel your broadband connection immediately: They might be watching you closely - I mean inappropriately close. Even as you are reading this, they are observing and learning. Disconnect now!

2. Burn your laptop, computers and phones: Might be already late, but that's the best thing you can do now. All this while, when you were installing apps, you've been giving permission for them to enter your personal life. (Sigh) Anyways bygones are bygones. Burn them and just to be on the safer side, bury the remains near a radioactive zone.

3. Now for the most important part, your Address might've been already leaked when you bought that useless gadget from flipkart the other month. Leave all your belongings inside the home (coz its too late) and burn it. Yes, Burn the goddamn traitor-house down.

Ps: Last but not least, unfriend me from your social network. Coz all this while, I have been stealing and selling your cat, family, vacation, selfie, kid, granny, homemade dinner photos to NASA for millions of dollars (Yes, even though you had put that status a while back which goes like this. "I hereby prevent facebook from using my photos, blah blah blah). Dont wait after pressing like and typing 11 to see the magic, its not gonna happen this time. Take an intelligent action. Peace out.

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Cable Revolution.

I was introduced to the concept of Cable TV when our suburban town started selling the idea, door-to-door. As a kid I kept wondering what more can this offer. We had our antenna, the booster, a television set with 9 channel support and just one channel showing us the amazing “Spiderman”, hilarious “DD’s Comedy”, the spectacular “Giant Robot”, meaningful “art-house films” and vintage regional cinema. But then the idea of just a cable providing more entertainment had us and we proudly plugged in that white square-head to the television set. Out of our 8 redundant noise channels, 2 came alive. Star TV and BBC - Both english channels.

Star tv had a wide variety of shows ranging from Cookery to Series to Talk shows and a special segment called Star Plus from 4PM to 6PM where they telecasted old and famous tv shows (Wonder Years, Small Wonders, Doogie Houser MD etc). BBC had news most of the time and some random sports - both too boring for my taste. To keep the customers happy, the cable vendors often hacked into one channel and streamed a movie. The antenna was forgotten. The booster never saw power again. It was just a matter of time for the cable tv universe to expand. Star Plus became a standalone channel. We got to see killer series like The X Files, Friends, Frasier, Cheers, Home Improvement and more. Channels kept adding up and went beyond our 9 channel television set. We had to tune and replace channels for the new ones. Fun times, when I had to set up the fashion channel, watch it and revert it back to asianet before mom’s back from work!

Cable Tv was a sensation. Everyone was talking about it. Heard from friends who lived in metropolitan cities about a channel which showed hollywood films back to back and it was called Star Movies. Was so psyched about the channel and I kept searching for it on my box but had no luck. Almost an year later, I was randomly browsing on the tuner when I found out that we finally have Star Movies! Words cannot explain that moment. Me and my brother, we spend an entire week sitting right in front of the tv without turning it off because we thought it might just go away. Every single film that we saw during that initial week were special for so many reasons. We never got to watch hollywood films in that clarity ever before. The colours, the sound and above all, the suspense of which film they are gonna show next - it was out of the world! We saw a lot of films. “Air America, The Big Bet, The Good Son, Gross Anatomy, Ernest the scared stupid, Pet Cemetery, Monkey Trouble, Commando, Wild America, Raising Arizona, Beverly Hillbillies, Trapped in Paradise and many more.

We had to get a new television and dad got us one! A 30” big screen! Channels started adding up. Star World, TNT (where we saw some retro classics like Wizard of the Oz, Poltergeist and Platoon), HBO, MTV and tons of others. Time flew, technology grew, we are where we are right now. Movies aren’t hard to access; you can stream it, you can download it, you can watch it on your tv, and if you miss it you can ask your tv to record it for you- but even then; I can feel the same excitement I once had, when I accidentally stumble upon a new channel on my TV. That excitement brings back a lot of memories. Innocent, wonderful memories.

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Don't talk about.....

My first ever detrimental experience with religion occurred as a kid when I was forbidden a particular seat in the bus by middle schoolers claiming that the seat belonged to "church-goers". Though I didn't commute as a straphanger that day because I was generously taken by the "temple-goers". I was in the fourth grade at that time and I clearly remember the feeling of disgust I had at that moment. What a moronic divergence. Maybe the seeds of disbelief  in partitioned cults were planted on that day. Since a kid, I  never bought the concept of religion. 

I used to believe in supernatural entities though for a brief period of my life. But 12 years of school science was more than enough to make   those beliefs, void. I never did disrespect the people who still believe in these - but it's true that I can never respect them. Religion shouldn't be like a genetic disorder that unwillingly cascades down to the next generation. Religion is something that should be secretive; Something that one should  conceal- like sex. Don't make it a public affair even if YOU are proud of it. And do believe in gods, if that helps you individually. I still say to param that Santa exists and, of course, it helps now, but he is gonna grow out of it soon.  

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Savage.

Animal Cruelty is an extremely offensive act irrespective of the species. But I do wonder how many of these puerile Stray-Dog activists truly apprehend actual circumstances. 30,608 cases of dog bites were reported from rural areas of Bangalore in 2013. Approximately 37 babies died from getting seriously wounded by dog bites in 2014.People commuting in two-wheelers and pedestrians are equally perturbed by canine attacks at night. Of course, the activists who do worry about canine welfare while sipping gin and tonic at the high-rise building in a gated community would probably call this irrational, but as a person who parallels lifestyles from both the above said facets I can vouch for these people. A friend of mine got paralysed because of a road accident when a stray dog jumped on to the road out of nowhere. A couple of years back, I had to lift up and hold an orphan baby near Koramangala to protect her from stray dogs. Now what would've been the provocation for these dogs to be hostile towards a 2 year old child? Frustration. From the lack of food, lack of space and lack of care. Who is responsible for this? People who are letting the stray dogs to multiply without any rationality per se. We need more stray dogs-they say. Its like saying we need more orphan children! No child should be an orphan and no dog should be a stray. I have seen some beautiful breeds of dogs wandering in the darkest alleys of Bangalore. Who put them there? The same high rise community who are too lazy to sell them or put them in a shelter while moving to a different state. Now they might ask- What are you saying you heartless prick? Kill the dogs?. No, I am not saying that. Do not kill them. Every single dog-activist should have at least 10-15 stray dogs adopted. And that should be the revolution, not pre-booking hotels in Kerala and cancelling them on the day citing Animal Cruelty!

An Ugly Truth

Now here is a repulsive thought. There is a chance that you might find yourself in any of the category of people that I am going to mention below. A word of disclaimer before you start- I am not judging anyone neither am I the promoter of a singular cult.  These are just random thoughts and if you find this disturbing or against your cultural beliefs, well, then there is something deeply wrong with your social awareness.

As I said, I am not going to preach my ideology to you. I am simply going to present, in front of you, a truth in its raw form.

SCENARIO:

Here is our girl. She is happy, curious and thankful for her wonderful family. She belongs to a middle class working social unit. Her Parents are financially stable, reputed employees of the state and her brother doing his middle school.  She is doing her graduation. A pleasant and innocent girl, who loves her family a lot, lives her life happily like any normal 20-year-old girl should live. Then comes our boy. Usually this entry happens in the form of a wrongly directed phone call or an awkward staring at any shopping mall. (Fact: the male libido is always turned on by default). Boy starts stalking  (read again, I said stalking, not talking) the girl. Girl feels irritated and uncomfortable. Boy thinks; making a girl uncomfortable by making random appearances in bus stops, shopping malls or even in classrooms;  is a good sign. (Thanks to our movies!). Well, in weirdo-world it is a good sign. Girl is confused (Again thanks to our education and family system. Confusion is not the emotion that should be surfacing on a situation like that). Boy constantly sends out signs that he likes the girl in the form of weird looks, body movements, missed calls, cheap stationary and substandard poems. (Strangely it never occurs to him that what makes human different from an ape is the ability to do oral communication).  The boy after a number of denials from the girl keeps trying, with no self-respect, so to speak. He begs, he cries and says that he cannot survive a single moment without her. The Girl, after a long time of being irritated, confused and helpless, starts to feel that he is the right choice for her as he is already doing ‘sacrifices’. (Again, thanks to our system). She, for the first time, returns the call. He cries again, thanks her and promises her a lot of things (which we will get to in a couple of minutes). There, starts an array of routines. Nightlong calls, Texts and again cheap stationary exchanges. The boy, over these calls, tries hard to impress the girl. The girl, at this point of time, is primarily the listener and believes whatever the boy says. She strongly concurs that this boy is a keeper and better than anyone she is ever going to get. The boy meanwhile, starts living in the fake stories that he himself created to impress the girl. His time for the girl gets shorter and the girl becomes the talker and boy, the impatient listener. Calls from the boy’s to the girl’s phone soon becomes a thing of the past.  Thinking that it’s now her only future, Girl confesses everything to her parents and begs for their approval. Parent with no other choice, goes to the Boy’s parents. Girl finds out that the boy actually comes from a financially, socially and morally poor family. Parents resent. Girl cries, begs and spends a lot of time on phone hearing curses, insults and abusive words from the Boy. Finally, again with no logical choice, Parents agree to get them married. Boy’s family demands money. Crying and cursing repeats. They get married. It’s only then the girl realizes, her incompatibility with the boy and his family. Her suffering starts. Boy with no prospective future keeps living in that fake world he created. He develops a superiority complex from his actual inferior self and tortures the girl mentally, physically and in every other way possible. Then comes the other woman (Usually this entry too happens in the form of a purposefully misdirected phone call). Boy spends more time over the phone than with his wife. Due to the Boy’s inferior intellect, Girl finds out about this very quickly. Boy blames everything on the Girl. Her life is soon a living hell. Here is our girl. She is confused, she is shattered and now she has no one. Whose fault is this anyway? What went wrong here?

You can close your eyes and move your head in disagreement. But this is happening to one out of every 10 girls in our state. I wont conclude this with a statement of advice but I would like to put forward a thought.

You meet someone who actually belongs to your Intellectual, Physical and (always a wiser decision) Financial level. Talk to them. Befriend them. Get to know them. Spend time with them. Wait for things to progress, if there is a chance. Propose when you are finally ready. Talk to your parents. (I am very much against parents deciding their in-laws, but they definitely need to be a part of your wedding). Get married and own a family. This is something special but more than that, this is something logical. Think before you act as there wont be any room for thinking post the action.

Tip to Girls: Your first love might seem the best in your neighborhood, but you will meet 20 better candidates if you move out of that neighborhood.  Before settling down for something mediocre, travel a lot. Get to know different people. Get a job. Get to know how the world works. You might end up with a good life.

FOOT NOTE:

A word to the people who still blindly supports (parental) arranged marriage. A baby starts sitting up when he is 3 months old; a baby walks when he is an year old; a baby talks when he is 2. As a parent, we cannot sit for the baby, we cannot walk for the baby, and we cannot talk for the baby. All we can do is support them, nurture them that they will do everything properly by themselves. Good parenting is not selecting a partner for their Child, but it is making the Child capable of choosing the right partner himself/herself when the time is right.

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